Gilda Goldheart
September 19, 1721
An Interview With Cleopatra

For the purposes of this interview, we used our time machine on board to bring Cleopatra back to our the present day. Don’t worry, we’re just renting her, not buying. Like always, she will be returned to her original time at the end of the interview.

G: Is it true you know 7 languages? What’s the sexiest language you know? Speak dirty to me darling.

C: את זונה הוללת ועל רפסודת העץ הזו שאת קוראת דוברה לא הייתי מעזה לירוק. ולמען הפרוטוקול, אני יכולה לדבר 9.

(Translation: You’re a debaucherous whore and this wooden raft you call a barge I wouldn’t dare to spit on. And for the record, I can speak 9.)

G: Oh my, you have me blushing. I have no idea what you just said, but I can see why Caesar loved you. You just had your 25th birthday, I hope you had a celebration worthy of your majesty?

C: My party was quite nice, yes. It was smaller then last year. The war with Rome has reduced my coffers and killed my farmers. As a result, I could only afford 300 lambs, instead of 500 like last year. Still, it was nice. Thank you for asking.

G: Now that your relationship with Caesar is over, what’s next for the Queen of Egypt?

C: Who do you love the most here?

G: Come again?

C: Who is the one person on board you couldn’t live without?

G: Oh, feisty Cleo. I thought I was the one asking the questions, but I do like to talk about myself. I suppose I can answer just one. If anything were even to happen to Sally, I don’t think I could live without her. We’ve known each other since we were 12. There’s no one I care about more.

C: Sally! Come over darling, I have a gift for you. (Sally darts over.)

S: Aghhh (The Sound of Sally Choking.)

C: Now Gilda, if I were to take my knife and push it a bit farther. A little deeper into her neck. Oh, I can see you squirming. That’s okay darling, a few drops is all I need. A little blood goes a long way. (Cleopatra put’s away her knife and releases Sally.) That question about my lover’s death, this is what that question feels like. Got it?

G: Yes, of course my queen. You know, I think that’s all the time we have today. I’m glad we had you on, and I’d love to have you on again. Jenna! Bring the time machine! There you go. Got all your luggage? Don’t forget your seat belt. (Flash!). Phew, at least she’s gone now.